Husband Banned From Target
This made me laugh on a Monday… so you know it’s funny.
“After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like
most women – she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local
Target.”
Dear Mrs. Johnson,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Johnson, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice,’Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows
and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children
obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were
called..
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’
by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through,yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!’
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’
One of the clerks passed out.
George Bernard Shaw…
… had a way with words, like no other. Whitness these thought provoking quotes:
“If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas.”
“Which painting in the National Gallery would I save if there was a fire? The one nearest the door of course.”
“When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.”
“My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke in the world.”
“The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.”
“The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.”
“Lack of money is the root of all evil.”
“A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.”
“Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.”
“There are two tragedies in life. One is to not get your heart’s desire. The other is to get it.”
“The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.”
“People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them.”
Is Capitalism A “Sin”? Maybe So, However…
A Sunday With Mose Allison
Normally [ha!!] I reserve Sunday for Frank and Ella, together and/or with Basie.
Today I awoke cravin’ you… and Mose.
Check out this link, and you’ll hear why.
Rabbi, Where’s The Ammo?
Not withstanding that “thems put in charge” of doling out spirituality always drop the perverbial ball, I’m guessing the gelt [money, mula, green] to buy the Shul’s artillary didn’t come out of the Reb’s pocket.
http://www.nypost.com/p/news/regional/go_ahead_make_my_high_holiday_hLuhUCAbI9z2DATpOzJkIO
So, I gotta ask: If a Bar Mitzvah Boy misses a passage at this Shul, does he risk a warning shot fired into his stomach?
Swine Flu Warning…
“Google” This Blog In Yiddish…
I’ve been using that off puting expression to “hurry along” the people, and now the hi-tech equipment, in my life for the past forty years. איך’ווע מען ניצן דאָס אַוועק פּאַטינג ויסדרוק צו “יילן זיין” די מענטשן, און איצט די הי-טעק ויסריכט, אין מיין לעבן פֿאַר די לעצטע פערציק יאָר. I can be less than endearing at times, so, apologies to all. איך קען זיין ווייניקער ווי ענדירינג ביי א, אַזוי, אַפּאַלאַדזשיז צו אַלע. Now get over it. איצט נעמען איבער אים. :-) :-)
Lorne Greene and Victor Sen Yung , pictured below. לאָרן גרין און וויקטאָר סען יונג, פּיקטשערד אונטן.
It was the late Dan Blocker whose character Hoss Cartwright, week after week, would light a fire under Hop’s butt. דאָס איז געווען די שפּעט דן בלאַקער וועמענס כאַראַקטער כאַס קאַרטווריגהט, וואָך נאָך וואָך, וואָלט אָנצינדן אַ פייער אונטער האָפּ ס ‘באַט. It’s rumored that their interaction inspired Richard M. Nixon to open Red China for trade… yet, still no Hollywood Star for the “Hop Man,” Victor Sen Yung. Kermit The Friggin’ Frog has a star. ס רומערד אַז זייער ינעראַקשאַן ינספּייערד ריטשארד עם ניקסאָן צו עפֿענען רעד טשיינאַ פֿאַר האַנדלען … נאָך, נאָך קיין האָלליוואָאָד שטערן פֿאַר די “כאַפּ מאַן,” וויקטאָר סען יונג. קערמיט די פריגגין ‘פראָג איז אַ שטערן. Hell, even Mr. גענעם, אפילו מיסטער Ed has a star. עד איז אַ שטערן. So very sad, on all accounts. אַזוי זייער טרויעריק, אויף אַלע אַקאַונץ.
Dan Blocker as Hoss Cartwright. דן בלאַקער ווי כאַס קאַרטווריגהט.
Here’s info from the internet on this great icon: דאָ ס אינפֿאָרמאַציע פֿון די אינטערנעט אויף דער עלטער ייקאַן:
For 14 years Hop Sing was the cook on the series Bonanza . פאר 14 יאָר כאַפּ סינג איז געווען די קאָכן אויף די סעריע באָנאַנזאַ. Victor was born and raised in San Francisco in the Chinatown district. וויקטאָר איז געבוירן און רייזד אין סאַן פֿראַנסיסקאָ אין די טשינאַטאָוון דיסטריקט.
Victor began acting in 1938 under the name Victor Yung. וויקטאָר ביגאַן אַקטינג אין 1938 אונטער דעם נאָמען וויקטאָר יונג. At that time he had been working for a chemical company and brought some samples of a new flame retardant to 20th Century Fox to sell. אין וואָס צייט האט ער ביי געווארן ארבעטן פֿאַר אַ כעמיש פירמע און בראָט עטלעכע סאַמפּאַלז פון אַ נייַ פלאַם ריטאַרדאַנט צו 20 סענטורי פאָקס צו פאַרקויפן. Instead of buying the chemicals, they tested him for the part of Charlie Chan’s number two son. אַנשטאָט בייינג די קעמיקאַלז, זיי טעסטעד אים פֿאַר די ראָלע פון טשאַרלי טשאַן ס נומער צוויי זון. He then appeared in 11 Chan movies. ער האט דאַן דעמאלסט אין 11 טשאַן קינאָ.
Victor was an accomplish Cantonese cook, and penned The Great Wok Cookbook in 1974. וויקטאָר איז געווען אַן ויספירן קאַנטאָנעסע קאָכן, און פּענד די גרייט וואָק קוקבוק אין 1974. Sadly Victor died on November 9, 1980 “from a gas leak at the age of 65 penniless.” [sic] סאַדלי וויקטאָר דיעד אויפֿן 9 נאוועמבער 1980 “פֿון אַ גאַז רינען אין די עלטער פון 65 פּענילאַס.” [סיק]
Obama Keeps Bush Wiretap Policy In Place
A resounding, “what the fuck? Over”
I feel much as I did when we Democrats took over Congress and the Senate. Nancy Pelosi, against all odds, gave into the statis quo. I’m saddened by the Party’s aparant blase faire attitude. Nary a word of indegnation from anyone… and I continue to be sickened by the lack of seperation of Church and State in our [not really] otherwise fine Nation.
Ted Kennedy, Before You Kick It…
… riddle me this:
Do you ever check in with Gwynn, Mary Jo Kopechne’s mom? Just wondering. It’s been years, and now that you, too, are in pain…
Hey, I hope that didn’t sound mean spirited, given your recent brain troubles [all that Kennedy inbreeding at work?], but I’ll bet you a bottle of your evil father’s smuggled Scotch [I'll put up a Bill Buckner baseball card] that MJ is mentioned in the first paragraph of your obituary. Nice legacy, meat.
Aside, I understand that some good is coming of all of this. You seem to be loosing some of that wall of flesh that precedes and follows you into a room. Just in time for spring boating, and all the easier to carry on a hot summers day.
Over and out, Camelot.
