Pushing on the Doors of Life Marked “Pull”

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Never try to re-attach Siamese twins against their will.

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Old chickens make great soup.

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Having a corrugated box requires no gynecological attention.

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Asking if ‘Texas is considered the south?,’ is like asking ‘is the Pope still a Nazi?’

Same answer to both questions: “Not technically.”

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If at first you don’t succeed, fuck it. Find something you’re good at, make it your passion, and run with it. If necessary, repeat the process. Just don’t give up.

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The ultimate extravagance: A designer toe-tag.

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Cleanliness is next to athiestness.

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Australia was founded mostly by exiled, former criminals. Their crime rate is inordinately low. The United States was founded mostly by missionaries…

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I belong to the “Jehovah Whiteness Protection Program.”

They’re the folks that move me from location to location on Saturday mornings, so that when those folks come knocking… I’m somewhere else.

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Most folks don’t appreciate receiving a “pop up” condolence card with a clown popping out of a coffin, with a great big teer, and balloons adorned with letters that spell “S-O-R-R-Y.”

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The theme song from “Benny Hill” is not appropriate funeral music. I know that, but wouldn’t it sound great if they play it when Osama bin Laden kicks?

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Sadly, a really big butt doesn’t appear smaller in a rear view mirror.

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If you don’t drink and drive, you risk saving the life of an oxygen waster.

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Having opinions doesn’t necessarily make one “opinionated”

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If a dying man wants a piece of cake, don’t tell him “we’re saving the cake for after the funeral.”

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There’s a finer line between the words ‘love and hate,’ than between ‘love and like.’

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The oasis is more important than the journey, or the destination.

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“I am not a gay necrophiliac,” declared Tom, in dead Ernest.

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“Jews For Jesus” is preposterous, of course. But, any less or more so than any of the following?

“Baptists For Buddha,” “Mormons For Mohammad,” “Episcopalians For Elvis,” or “Catholics For Catnip?”

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When you come to a fork in the road, don’t take it. Yogi Berra was wrong.

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[Popeyeism] “I yam what I yam.”

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Pricing the cost of ambulances isn’t a good idea while experiencing a stroke or a heart attack.

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Ann Frank did not marry Oscar Meyer.

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Every day is Sunday, and tomorrow is a holiday.

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Don’t sweat the small stuff… But remember that it isn’t all “small stuff.”

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F U N E M?

S V F M.

F U N E X?

S V F X.

O K M N X.

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Identifying, and staying away from those folks whom you may love, but not like, is an acquired skill.

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An estimated 20% of heterosexual males would like to be gay. They just can’t afford the clothes.

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If you were both dyslectic, and bulimic, you’d get sick before eating.

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The worst grade is not “F,” its “I” [Incomplete].

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Sucking is fine. Just not when one should be blowing out the birthday candles. That’s all.

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The first demonstrator who burned her bra protesting, would have been better served by taking it off, first.

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Sometimes I sits and thinks. Sometmes I just sits.

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Bi sexual? Fine.

Bi coastal? Okay.

Bi parteson? Splendid.

Bi polar? Bye-bye.

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Don’t just play the hand you’re dealt. Play all the hands.

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Some die too soon, some live too long. My generation’s biggest mistake was fucking with the Dr. Kevorkians of the world. The unmitigated gall of government not allowing folks to die with dignity!!

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[Former Vice President Chenyism] ” Attention Amerika: That’s the way it goes, first your money, than your clothes. Up your nose with a rubber hose…”

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[Diane Satin-ism] They’re putting pictures of spoiled children on cartons of buttermilk.

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When drinking beer on the beach, be sure not to get sand in your Schlitz.

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Contrary to public opinion, one can not become an MD in many third world countries just by passing a First Aide Course from the Red Cross… You have to take Gym, as well.

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You may hear the words, you may hear the dialects. Yet you never hear the words and dialects together. Some examples:

< Southern dialect- “Hey, you better turn off the TV and do your homework.” “Leave your sister be… that’s not right.”

< Jewish dialect- “That’s all right. I’ll pay retail.” “Father O’ Brien, you watch my kid today. I know he’s safe with a man in a dress. After all you are a priest and it’s not like you guys are famous for using children as hand-puppets. Far be it.”

< French dialect- “It’s customary in France that we shower regularly.”

<German dialect- “We were not ‘just following orders,’ we were independent thinkers.”

< British dialect- “Why don’t we get our Mojo working, feets don’t fails me now.”

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Always be asking yourself, “Is that my problem?” If not, don’t make it so.

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Be careful while primping. I know a woman who shaved her legs and wrecked ‘em.

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Your child may not be spoiled, but soon will be if a garbage truck runs over him [or her]. Teach your kids to cross at the [literal and proverbial] green, not in between, dween. In other woids, STAY OUT OF HARM’S WAY!!

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You can lead a horse to water, but pencils must be led.

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[From the Catholic Clergy] It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

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Sometimes it really is better to say “fuck off,” than “thank you for sharing.” Clarity’s a good thang.

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Many times, the grass really is greener…

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So, a gay Priest and a bi Rabbi enter a straight bartender…

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Nike, not Jesus, invented “Cross Trainers.”

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If marijuana is so harmful, why do I keep outliving my stash?

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No need to pass on all of your neurosis to your children. They’ll be getting their fair share from your mate.

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Not only is it “not over until the fat lady sings,” it’s not over until said large woman has a heart attack, falls, and crushes you dead… Then it’s truly over.

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Is “Blue Shield” for for light days in the insurance business?

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Sadomasochistic folk don’t care to see the baby, they just wants to hear about the labor pains.

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Although knowledge is empowering, knowing is sometimes the “Booby Prize.”

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We’re all on “need to know” status. Not just you, Frances.

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Don’t worry about what they say. Worry about what they do. More importantly, worry about what you do.

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When Nancy Reagan dies, she’ll be the worlds first artificial heart donor.

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If you can’t set an example, be an example.

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If in doubt, go with your eroticisms. You can fool yourself for a while, however you can’t fool “Little Willy” [or "Wilma"].

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Peter Pan is not a washbasin.

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Never sandpaper a hungry lion’s ass.

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Can you hear me now? Can you here me now? What the fuck? Over.