The 2008 Darwin Awards

February 6, 2009 at 2:44 pm (News & Politics)

Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards
Are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here are the glorious top 10 winners:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended
victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be
robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder.
He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time
it worked. And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-
cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted
a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting
negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself.
He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.

The chef’s claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his
car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to
find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean
bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed
to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not
wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby
bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He
then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling
the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to
bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from
serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.. When
asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that
he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head
to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on
the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the
cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash
in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man
took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill
on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the
drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you
money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor
store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the
cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The
cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was
made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store,
a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911
immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed
description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police
apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove
back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car
and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he
replied, ‘Yes, officer, that’s her.
That’s the lady I stole the purse from.’

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked
into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 A.M., flashed
a gun, and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open
the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered
onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for
breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
[A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home
parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained
for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man
curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police
spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal
gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motorhome’s
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to
press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

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