Zigisms [Of The Non-Ziglar Variety]

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 Keep your dreams wet, and your humor dry. Keep your child protected from clerics wearing dresses, and military recruiters. And, most importantly, keep on keeping on.

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Never try to re-attach Siamese twins against their will.

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Having a corrugated box requires no gynecological attention.

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Asking if ‘Texas is considered the south,?’ is like asking ‘is the Pope still a Nazi?’

Same answer to both questions… not technically.

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I have a cousin experiencing dramatic mood changes, and hair growth on her entire body. Doctors told her she’s Bi Polar Bear.

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If at first you don’t succeed, fuck it. Find something you’re good at, make it your passion, and run with it. If necessary, repeat the process. Just don’t give up.

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The ultimate extravagance: A designer toe-tag.

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Cleanliness is next to athiestness.

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Australia was founded mostly by exiled, former criminals. Their crime rate is inordinately low. The United States was founded mostly by missionaries…

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I belong to the “Jehovah Whitness Protection Program.”

They’re the folks that move me from location to location on Saturday mornings, so that when they come knocking… I’m somewhere else.

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If one didn’t know the meaning of the word “dictionary,” where would they go to look it up?

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Retaining water isn’t the same as conserving water. A lot of  folks slosh around, thinking that they’re helping, I guess.

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You can take the boy out of the city, but even if you could take the city out of the boy, crossing state lines means the Mann Act comes into play.

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Most folks don’t appreciate receiving a “pop up” condolence card… a clown popping out of a coffin sportin’  a great big tear, along with balloons adorned with letters that spell “S-O-R-R-Y.”

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The theme song from “Benny Hill” is not appropriate funeral music. I know that, but wouldn’t it sound great if they play it when Osama Ben Laden kicks?

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Sadly, a really big butt does not appear smaller in a rear view mirror.

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I attended Joan Baez University…. graduated Mangna Cum Bia.

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If you don’t drink and drive, you risk saving the life of an oxygen waster.

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Having opinions doesn’t necessarily make one “opinionated”

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They came very close to naming the Volvo automobile the Eurethro.

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If a dying man wants a piece of cake, don’t tell him “we’re saving the cake for after the funeral.”

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There’s a finer line between the words ‘love and hate,’ than between ‘love and like.’

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The oasis is more important than the journey, or the destination.

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“I am not a gay necrophiliac,” declared Tom, in dead Ernest.

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“Jews For Jesus” is preposterous, of course. However, no less [or more] than any of the following:

“Baptists For Buddha,” “Mormons For Mohammad,” “Episcopalians For Elvis,” or “Catholics For Catnip.”


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When you come to a fork in the road, don’t take it. Yogi Berra was wrong.

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[Popeyeism] “I yam what I yam.”

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Pricing the cost of ambulances isn’t a good idea while experiencing a stroke or a heart attack.

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Ann Frank did not marry Oscar Meyer.

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Every day is Sunday, and tomorrow is a holiday.

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Don’t sweat the small stuff… But remember that it isn’t all “small stuff.”

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F U N E M?

S V F M.

F U N E X?

S V F X.

O K M N X.

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Identifying, and staying away from those folks whom you may love, but not like, is an acquired skill.

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An estimated 20% of heterosexual males would like to be gay. They just can’t afford the clothes.

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If you were both dyslectic, and bulimic, you’d get sick before eating.

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The worst grade is not “F,” its “I” [Incomplete].

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Sucking is fine. Just not when one should be blowing out the birthday candles. That’s all.

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The first demonstrator who burned her bra protesting, would have been better served by taking it off, first.

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Bi sexual? Fine.

Bi coastal? Okay.

Bi partisan? Splendid.

Bi polar? Bye-bye.

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Don’t just play the hand you’re dealt. Play all the hands.

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Some die too soon, some live too long. My generation’s biggest mistake was fucking with the Dr. Kevorkians of the world. The unmitigated gall of government not allowing folks to die with dignity!!

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[Former Vice President Chenyism] ” Attention Amerika: That’s the way it goes, first your money, than your clothes. Up your nose with a rubber hose…”

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[Diane Satin-isms] They’re putting pictures of missing spoiled children on cartons of buttermilk.

I live in a quiet Oakland neighborhood. They don’t have drive by shootings… they have drive by stabbings.

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When drinking beer on the beach, be sure not to get sand in your Schlitz.

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Contrary to public opinion, one can not become an MD in many third world countries just by passing a First Aide Course from the Red Cross… You have to take Gym, as well.

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You may hear the words, you may hear the dialects. Yet you never hear the words and dialects together. Some examples:

< Southern dialect- “Hey, you better turn off the TV and do your homework.” “Leave your sister be… that’s not right.”

< Jewish dialect- “That’s all right. I’ll pay retail.” “Father O’ Brien, you watch my kid today. I know he’s safe with a man in a dress. After all you are a priest and it’s not like you guys are famous for using children as hand-puppets. Far be it.”

< French dialect- “It’s customary in France that we shower regularly.”

<German dialect- “We were not ‘just following orders,’ we were independent thinkers.”

< British dialect- “Why don’t we get our Mojo working, feets don’t fails me now.”

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Always be asking yourself, “Is that my problem?” If not, don’t make it so.

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Be careful while primping. I know a woman who shaved her legs and wrecked ‘em.

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You can lead a horse to water, but pencils must be led.

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[From the Catholic Clergy] It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

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Does having a New Testiment men that the stories in the Old Testiment weren’t preposterous enough?
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 Eliminate toxic words from your vocabulary. Some examples: Never, always, and can’t.

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Sometimes it really is better to say “fuck off,” than “thank you for sharing.” Clarity’s a good thang.

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Many times, the grass really is greener…

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… so, a gay Priest and a bi Rabbi enter a straight Bartender.

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Nike, not Jesus, invented “Cross Trainers.”

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On some levels, we’d all like it to be like it was when we were children… unless, of course, you’re Bing Crosby’s kid.

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If marijuana is so harmful, why do I keep outliving my stash?

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No need to pass on all of your neurosis to your children. They’ll be getting their fair share from your mate.

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Not only is it “not over until the fat lady sings,” it’s not over until said large woman has a heart attack, falls, and crushes you dead… Then it’s truly over.

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Is “Blue Shield” for for light days in the insurance business?

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Many woman who did drugs in the 60’s, and are reaching the age of menopause, are having hot flashbacks.

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Sadists don’t care to see the baby, they just wants to hear about the labor pains.

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Although knowledge is empowering, knowing is oft’ times the “Booby Prize.”

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Don’t worry about what they say. Worry about what they do. More importantly, worry about what you do.

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When Nancy Reagan dies, she’ll be the world ‘s first artificial heart donor.

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If you can’t set an example, be an example.

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If in doubt, go with your eroticisms. You can fool yourself for a while, however you can’t fool “Little Willy” [or “Wilma”].

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Peter Pan is not a washbasin.

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Never sandpaper a hungry lion’s ass.

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zigxmas2Ralph Zig Tyko

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4 Comments

  1. Scott said,

    “If at first you don’t succeed try, try again” doesn’t work well when parachuting, does it?”

  2. Barbara said,

    In the top picture you remind me of Tevye on Passover.

  3. Ralph Zig Tyko said,

    More like “passed over,” Barbara. :-)

  4. COMFORTABLY ZONED at Noon-2, PST – Radio for the People, by the People. said,

    […] for some Hot Stove Bay Area Baseball talk. Also, George Carlin comedy, Scott’s favorite Zigisims, terrific music, featuring Brother Ray Charles, Louis Armstrong, and Mose […]

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